All I know is that I want to inhale deeply of every emotion and experience this season throws at me, no matter how bad or good it is. Feelings deserve attention and I want to wrap up in them and taste them, touch them, savor them and learn from this so I can come out better, stronger and more empathetic to others.
So what's the shift? Loneliness, emptiness, the state of belonging to no man.
I'm at this place in my life where everything I thought I could count on has changed. There is nothing I'm sure of, not God's will, not my relationships with the people who matter most to me, not even my housing situation. Everything is confusing. Most of all who I will spend the rest of my life with.
And that's it. Since all of this happened the question has been who? Who is my partner for life? It was him for fourteen years, and now I don't know him. He wasn't perfect, neither am I. But it was never about perfection it was about belonging. We were us. We belonged to each other no matter what. He was air, breath, the beat of my heart, a hand, a mind, a body, a soul, the one and only soul that knew mine intimately (enough to know how devastating leaving would be). He was the one body I could touch however I wanted with no sin or shame. He was the one person who was supposed to never leave until death did part us. And he left me.
The question didn't change when he left. Who? Who will be with me in this life? Who will I belong to, because more than anything I need to belong. Will he do the work to come back? If so, when? Am I even worth the effort? Were we worth it?
When I haven't been thinking of him coming back (which is most of the time) I've been thinking of who might replace him? When will he be replaced? Should he? Do I know who it is already? Do I really want anyone? If I do, what do I want? How can I think of replacing him? Besides, will anyone really want me? How could anyone want someone like me?
Then it hit me today… who? Always who? I've said I should probably stay alone but I don't meant it. I'm not an alone kind of person. I'm an independent person, I'm an awkward, opinionated person, but I want to belong to someone. What if I could get over that? What if I could stop asking who? What if I could just be me? I've never been a 'just me' woman. I've been someone's girlfriend, lover, wife. I've been on a year-long break from men to figure out who I was in Christ, but the plan was never to remain single or alone. Now what? Do I give up on who? Can I? I've tried to think about it all day. What if there was no who. Not him, not someone else. Can I not belong to someone for the rest of my life when acceptance is one of my most intimate needs? Can I keep my ring on and not hope he thinks it a sign of my fidelity and comes back? Can I take it off and not hope someone might notice me? Can I let go of the hope of belonging to a man? I don't know. The thought of never having another lover, soul-mate and companion is hard to imagine. Can I let go of my need to belong?