On May 14th 1804 a Corps of Discoverers set out on an overwhelming expedition to chart and map the newly acquired western United States of America and see if there was a singular water route from the Missouri River to the Pacific Ocean. We know this band of merry men primarily by the two main voyagers, Lewis & Clark.

These men, well, actually President Thomas Jefferson and explorer Meriwether Lewis, had their plan in place and assembled a crew of able bodied men to join and assist them. Along the way Lewis and Clark got up close and personal with, the flora, fauna, geography and the Natives of the land, they talked to foreigners who had found their way to hunt and live in the land. They used a volley of interpreters to communicate with the Natives and were diligent in mapping and identifying the land they explored. My exploration of sex and Jesus will intentionally parallel their epic journey. A mapping, a searching, an asking and discovering of what’s out there. I’ll observe and immerse myself into the lay of the land. I’ll take celestial calculations, I’ll collect specimens, I’ll measure the peaks and valleys, the length of the rivers and heights of the mountains and all the miles from here, my St. Louis, to there, the Pacific Ocean. Just as many spaces and places within the territory they traveled through are still largely unpeopled, undeveloped and unexplored, my trek will, of course not be exhaustive. I have no idea what lies before me, I imagine I’ll marvel and wonder and discover things that take my breath away. I’m sure I’ll brave dangerous rapids and shiver through snow and rain and probably have to unload my boats and maybe trudge because the way was quite unexpectedly impassable. And at the end of the journey, if I don’t have any answers, at least I’ll have a better map of how sexuality relates to Christian spirituality.

The journey, as all good journeys do, will start at the beginning. Lewis and Clark’s journey started years before the 1804 embarking. Jefferson and Lewis dreamed of the exploration for years as I have dreamed of and prepared for this one. Lewis invited Clark along well after the dreaming and planning was afoot. There was training and teaching and prepping and building and packing. I have planned and prepared for this journey. I’ve used the The One Year Chronological Bible in the New Living Translation, published by Tyndale as my jumping off point. I admit this is not my favorite translation of the Bible but I had a lofty idea of having the whole thing read through again in a year and its daily sections were a great motivator. This biblical translation has been generously supplemented with clarifying readings from my favorite translations; the old NIV, ESV and NKJ. I’ve sprinkled in translation clarification from studylight.org, and looked at the good King James version of the Bible itself because it has my respect even if its English is outdated. From this beginning point (the Bible in chronological order) I’ve done my best to document and note each sexual, sexualized, or intimate interaction so that they can be classified, explored and weighed against God’s biblical commands, the church’s historical and popular teachings and modern society. Like Lewis and Clark were focused on finding a water route from the Missouri to the Pacific, I’m fixed on sex and sexuality, but understand that gender, feminism, misogyny, birth and birth control and similar strands of exploration will likely surface along the way. I’m ok with that, I’m just going to see where the river and the exploration takes me.

Each chapter will be separated into three sections; His, mine, and ours. MINE, of course, will be my own unique take on the sexual subject at hand, shaped and formed from the early, untreated sexual abuse I experienced, my teen and young adult sexual explorations and the culture shock I stepped into when I got “saved,” and my current notions and ideas, largely influenced by my study on the subject. I will admit up front, this section may just be a cathartic exploration, good only for me, and possibly most of the books metaphorical analogies but hey… this is a journey of discovery, so it works for me, and if anyone doesn’t want my own opinions, it’ll be easy to identify and skip over.

Ours will be what “we” think, where “we” includes a presentation of thoughts, ideas and opinions of the Corps of discovers. This is where YOU come in, if you so choose! I will present topics and questions and will gladly welcome your feedback. I will also be consulting with the others I mentioned before: Natives, foreigners and fellow sojourners, or in real life: the experts in the field, those from different cultures and others who have written or spoken on the subject at hand, sex and sexuality. I will explore what “we” say and have said about sex. What is, if there is such a thing, as normal or acceptable sex. What is deviant and what is cultural? Are there common beliefs “we” all agree on? How do we react to the topics at hand.

The final say on each subject will be HIS. God gets the final say. This section will be my best effort at scouring the Bible, taking the measurements, mapping the territory and doing my best to see, hear, smell, taste, touch, feel and know God’s heart on any sexual matter. I am no fool, I know it’s impossible, but I will do my best to honor God and the Word and present the God’s honest truth about sex and sexuality with as much fear, respect, integrity and honor as I can. I will also endeavor to provide global church perspectives on the sexual topic addressed in each chapter and present the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the God’s honest truth according to the Bible and generally agreed upon sexual rules within the historical and modern “church” where the church is described as the body of believers who claim to be followers of Christ and subscribe to the Apostle’s Creed, irrespective of denomination or nationality.

The plan is to research, record, explore and dissect the Bible, to find out what questions arise from my personal Biblical study and to ask others what they want to know, or have always wondered about in order to to assemble a list of questions to investigate.

This is the journey I’m embarking on, a great expanse of known and unknown territory filled with story, legend, folklore and preconceived notions. I am excited to begin. I have built my boat, I have packed my bags, I have assembled my crew and venture on into a great adventure! Come with me if you will!

From this setting off point I'll be honest. I have NO idea what I'm doing. I've never written non-fiction like this and it's proving to be a challenge. I have so many cares, concerns and responsibilities in life that always seem to jump, push or sneak in line ahead of my writing. I ask for your patience with me as I trek along, but definitely welcome you to keep me accountable!

Today a little girl was sexually molested in front of my eyes and I couldn’t stop it. I did what I do in traumatic situations and froze… stone cold still, inept, weak, worthless. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t make it go away and neither could the people hosting the {insert a Washington State government program here} informational video meeting for seconds, or was it minutes? It doesn’t matter anymore, her little face and victimization has haunted me for hours now, and yet I can’t even remember the color of her eyes, but I know her hair was brown. The only time I’ve ever wished for the dementia my grandmother has is now. Please God can I never remember this? Can I never see her again. But I can’t unsee her, like I can’t unsee the other things I’ve seen that make me want to fit and faithfully keep kids safe. I can’t make it go away, not the memory of what I saw, not her violated image now seared in my mind. It is still there playing over and over again, he is evil, pure evil and he ought to rot in hell. I am glad there is a hell and I am so angry, so violently angry with the God I serve for allowing this. Why God why? And she is still out there. And all the questions and tears and sorrow will still not save her or brutalize him the way he deserves.

I did what I know to do, after breath came back, rapid heart beats exploded in my chest, I was alive even if I was ruined. Time to run, but run to where? I was not in danger, it is a little girl I do not know and cannot run to save that is in danger. Time to fight, but fight who, he held the camera below his face and though I try to remember any thing distinguishing, there is nothing but his brutality and her innocence ravaged. I immediately contacted my chain of command and reminded myself of all the good men out there. Yes, that’s what I did and have spent the afternoon doing. Finding my heroes, men that can fight and do protect and will save children. Men like Tim Ballard, founder of O.U.R (Operation Underground Railroad), Ashton Kutcher, co-founder of Thorn, Travis Norwood, foster father extraordinaire and author who has murdered evil men in story in such a satisfyingly brilliant way. I remember good men, I focus on them and pray for them and for more of them, brave, courageous men who will stand up against sexual exploitation and speak out against this evil. I must hope for and believe in good men because every time I hear of another victim, or man who has sexually abused or exploited someone I think they are all like that. I believe for a moment that all men are sexual deviants and evil. But they are not. They cannot be. There are heroes, there are protectors, there are good guys and Captain America will always be my favorite hero, because he is purely good, with no if, ands or buts about it, but I am OK with heroes having their moment of shame and awakening that fires them up to rage against the evil in the world too. I need to believe in redemption, in forgiveness, in good men and heroes and in big, strong arms where little girls can be safe.

I need to believe we can find her and rescue her. I need to believe she will be saved swiftly but at least before she’s much older and used to being exploited on camera. By then she’ll be a somewhat more mature age, and her victimization may not appear so blatantly pedophilic and repulsive. By then men who might jump at the chance to beat the vile devil that molested her at the age she is in the video, would more likely get aroused watching her violation, and tell themselves she was doing it because she likes it. I hope you think of the little girl if you’re tempted to watch. I hope you’d rather protect and defend than be party to the depravity that got us here, because no one starts with kiddy porn. It starts with “You know she wanted it” and “She doesn’t matter.” But she does matter. And she must be saved, she just must! I have made my report to The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and I will believe that Thorn or other good guys and gals will find him and rescue her and good will win in the end. This I must believe!

What can I say? I'm a curious person... How could I not be intrigued and want to know more when I found out that Wenatchee has a burlesque troupe?! I didn't go looking for risque, sexy, dancing ladies with a healthy sense of humor, no, I posted a question on Facebook. One of the people who responded gave accolades to a popular porn site. Since I am no fan of the industry, I gave him a piece of my mind. Then another person spoke up in defense of the site. This time, though I was still not at all a proponent of pornography, the way I answered was different. Skylar Hansford framed her response respectfully, from an informed and intelligent platform. She was worthy of debate. She had experience in the sex industry and I knew she would provide fabulous insight for my current non-fiction project, Sex and Jesus. Instead of starting a fight or arguing I asked if we could meet and talk. And did we ever talk! I wish there had been more hours and more time to hear her story let alone the history of the Radar Dames, Wenatchee’s own burlesque troupe.

She was instantly intriguing to me, this young woman with bright vibrant eyes and hair divided right down the middle in two starkly contrasting colors. She carried herself with an air of confidence. She was proud of her femininity and sexuality and I respected her for it, not in spite of it, and yet, not solely because of it. Skylar Hansford embraces sexual expression as part of her whole self, and I will tell you this ladies and gentlemen, it is sexy!!!

I would consider myself a modest person by choice but, if I'm truly honest, also because of fear. I want my husband to think I’m sexy, and to get turned on at the sight of me. I want him to desire me and be the person who enjoys my body most but that doesn’t mean I want to deny my sexuality the rest of the time. I am a sexual being, not to mention the fact that I’ve spent the last several years living a fit life. I want to be appreciated for being feminine, fit and sensual as much as for being compassionate and skilled at writing. But, I don’t want to be violated because someone else thinks I’m sexy or was “asking for it.” I've been in situations wearing risque clothing where I was mistreated. When you’re a woman and you “know” you’re wearing one of “those” outfits and something bad happens, even if no one says it out loud; the question is… Was it something that I wore? I told myself, and society told me that I gave the guy the wrong impression because I was dressed inappropriately. I should have expected it to happen. And, so, since then, again both by choice and because of fear I’ve chosen to dress toward the modest side of life.

There is one more fear that ought not go unmentioned. I spoke about my fear of man, now I need to speak of the fear of woman. We feminines are interesting beings. I think we all want to feel pretty, dare I say attractive, but if we see a woman who has crossed the line from attractive to risque… many of us judge. She’s one of “those” women or is trying to get “that” kind of attention. I will say this is largely situational and cultural but it’s definitely a thing. I will contend that it is a thing because we are sexual beings and it pricks at that part of our humanity that’s been conditioned to be repressed; and those women who dare to express or expose themselves challenge our own sexual perceptions. As much as I do not want to be in an unsafe situation with a man because of my attire; I also do not want to lose respect in the eyes of my female peers because because of it.

So I am modest, by choice and by fear.

But I digress, I was at a table listening to a beautiful young woman speak. She was proud of herself, proud of her body, and proud of the fact that she is able to express her sexuality. Despite the fact that she will wear pasties in public, Skylar demands that she should be respected no matter what she wears. No matter what?! She was sure of it and I was the one challenged to re-frame my thinking. Was it really OK to embrace my sexuality that boldly? Could I acknowledge it as part of who I was and expect, or demand, no repercussions from men or women for how I dressed? Can that actually be a thing? What would the world be like if it was? Obviously there’s a time and a place for the more sultry expressions of sexuality and this is where the conversation turned to burlesque.

Skylar, a former exotic dancer, former dominatrix, woman with a sexual assault story of her own that helped form her opinion about sexual expression, heard about the Radar Station. She accepted a bold invitation to stand semi-exposed for an event at the funky, modern museum of controversial art and pop-culture. The new mother was still breastfeeding and says she was not necessarily an image of super sexuality, but feminine reality. Flesh, skin, breasts and beauty. She embraced the philosophy of the founder of the Radar Station, Ron Evans, and in partnership with him started to dream about a burlesque performance. What would it look like? How would the event turn out? They asked the questions and Skylar took the leap, became Moxie Rose, and the Radar Dames were born.

Originally a troupe of four women who, like Skylar, each have their own stage names: Moxie Rose, TNT, Kitty Katastrophe and Gypsy Moon were the first of what is now a troupe of ten performers. Burlesque, from the Italian word mockery, was originally meant to be a performance that parodies some of societies more serious situations in an often comedic and provocative way. The image that comes to my mind is of a bold, fishnet clad, jovial woman, strutting and teasing a rowdy crowd as she executes her performance. Though thick with feminine strength and mystique Skylar clarifies that the burlesque art form embraces all genders, ages and body-types. It is about feeling confident and proud in your skin and making a statement while embracing sexuality not repressing it.

Her goal now is to bring burlesque to the men and women of Wenatchee. To introduce and invite onlookers, and others who are interested, to participate in a class that will run six to eight weeks and end in a performance in front of family and friends… maybe more. The question is whether Wenatchee is ready for burlesque. Skylar made a request on Facebook for people to attend an “Intro to Burlesque” video session in preparation for the newly envisioned classes. I said “Yes!” as did a number of my bold and brave lady friends. We showed up at the Radar Station, listened to Skylar share the history and intention of burlesque and strutted our stuff, flung feather boas, swished and shimmied in removable skirts. And we laughed!

We were silly and carefree, like girls playing dress up, only we weren’t girls, we were women. We dressed up to flirt and seduce and laugh at ourselves and with each other. It felt amazing to be in a safe place, to dress (or undress) on purpose to be sexy. I was not judged by my lady friends, we were sultry and sexy and risque together! We got tips from Skylar and the other burlesque performers on how to move more provocatively; deliberately tempting, teasing and seducing an imaginary audience with our motions. It was liberating to move my body in time with music in alluring and explicit ways. I am a sexual being and the freedom to express it safely was empowering.

Of course all our parts stayed covered and our novice techniques left much room for improvement but I think we all walked away from the lesson standing a little taller and feeling sexier. It was more the idea of actually doing it that was exciting than the execution. Could I really perform like this in front of others, for fun and for freedom? How much skin would I show? How damaged would my reputation be in certain circles? These thoughts swirl around in my mind like the skirt did around my waist. I think I’d quite like to make up a light-hearted, sexually expressive burlesque performance of my own. I’ve imagined what my stage name might be. But... do I dare?! Definitely for my own (and my husband’s) sensual pleasure I would learn more about this art form. Maybe, just maybe, in a private setting, amongst my other brave friends who understand the intrigue I could dare to bare some skin I normally keep under clothing. I wonder and imagine and I eagerly await more information on when and what the structure of the Radar Dames burlesque classes will be and maybe, just maybe, this modest writer-lady will sign-up!

Like Lewis and Clark’s Corps of Discovery Expedition in the early 1800s, Sex and Jesus is a journey of exploration. The territory, like the newly acquired western United States were, is vast and mysterious. I want to map, if I can, sexuality and spirituality and perceptions on both as they interconnect for typical American citizens of diverse ages, genders, weights, sizes and religious or non-religious affiliation. I’m asking a lot of questions about a lot of different things, some easy to talk about, some taboo and some, quite honestly, deplorable. I’m not necessarily seeking to answer questions as much as to explore different thoughts, preferences and rules (written and unwritten) about sexuality and God so that I can chart the land. Where are the fault lines we all ought to avoid building on? Where are the waters we gather around for life and gratification? What are the highest peaks of orgasmic pleasure and the lowest valleys of sexual depravity? What is the shape of sex on God’s canvas of humanity? I don’t know how successful I’ll be, but I’ve got my bags packed and now I’m out to assemble a crew… and I want YOU!

Of course, I’ll be the captain of this grand adventure. I will be as honest as I can possibly be in sharing what I find, but I’m far from objective. I’m admittedly and unashamedly a conservative Christian. I’m comfortable and confident in my faith in Jesus Christ. This is the cornerstone of my life and also, obviously, the catalyst for this expedition. Additionally, I’m a fitness fanatic, a small town woman with minimalist tendencies and a dark past. I’m an advocate for abused and neglected children because I’m an adult survivor of sexual abuse. All of these “hats” and so many more influence me and leave me less than neutral.

I want more than my own paradigm and voice. I would like to collaborate with some of my dearest companions as I make this journey, and do so hope a few will volunteer to join me. I respect and value their opinions more than anyone’s… that’s why they’re closest to me; but I also want to supplement their input with the opinions of others I might not be as familiar with. I need more than the perspectives of a handful of select individuals I know well. If I only ask and trust my friends for data I don’t think I’ll see the true topography with all the gritty bits that may be left out as they shape their answers because of the complexity of human interaction and our personal relationships. In order to fully explore the territory, I need the rest of my crew to be a trustworthy but diverse mix.

That’s why I’m coming to you!

I have a vague vision for this project that resembles the Lewis & Clark expedition. My core team will be small enough for me to listen to with focused intensity but large enough to provide a broad view of the landscape. I’ll be asking a sexual question of the day several times a week as well as a lot of survey questions. These will help me define the forum topics and questions I’ll ask others along the way. Ideally we’ll meet a number of times this year in one-on-one or forum type settings (either online or in person where time and distance permit). I hope to talk openly and candidly about sex and religion.

Of course ‘along the way’ I’ll interview the natives, foreigners and fellow sojourners on their own adventures. From this group of people I’ll explore different cultures, traditions, beliefs, perceptions and mindsets than what may be the accepted norm within the corp. As different as these perspectives are, they have a right to be heard and I want to listen.

So today I’m asking for brave volunteers to join my Corp of Explorers or honestly represent the natives and fellow sojourners. There will be lots of sex and Jesus talking and definitely some exploration along the way. I promise, all data and feedback will be treated with the utmost respect, and information within the book will be presented anonymously. If you want to participate completely anonymously you can, I’ll respect your privacy, but I need you to be honest no matter what! If you are intrigued and want to actively participate in this adventure with me, will you please email me at: [email protected]

Some but not all of the topics I plan to cover are:

Climax and multiple orgasm
Biblical history of sex
Libido, sexual appetite and dysfunction
Monogamy and multiple partners
Church traditions, rules and taboos
Purity and depravity
Breast and penis envy and size
Sexual liberation
Pornography and artistic nudity
Prostitution
Human trafficking
Pedophilia
Biblical laws regarding sexual practices
Pop culture