I am a sheep. I am not ashamed of it. Instead of trying to buck my natural tendencies, I decided a long time ago to pick carefully who I follow. If I have faith in them, their cause, and their points of view, I will be the best recruiter, spokeswoman and solider in the ranks because I believe in them. It’s not a job, it’s not a requirement, it is a calculated choice I make to believe and follow.
With all the talking and my personal philosophy, it seems that I should pick someone else’s platform, organization or model for promoting healthy sexuality and exposing sexual abuse and exploitation and follow their lead. In a way, I will. So, why be a maverick? Because sex and sexuality aren’t just platforms; they are part of the substance of all of us.
And because I’m a victim. I think there are two kinds of victims, ones that keep the secret and ones that tell. I am one that told. It didn’t work out so well for me, but I’m a teller. Victims want to be heard. More than that, we want to be believed. Some rise above “victim” status and become advocates, for themselves and others. And that’s where I am.
I have a story and I want the sympathetic parts to be heard. I want to use my platform to help others who are hurting and heal others who have wounds from sexual trauma. But there’s a dark side to my story that I’m not so keen on exposing. I can also be considered an offender, never a predator, but I have hurt and exploited others because of the trauma I experienced. This isn’t unique to me, many victims have, in sorting out their own abuse, become intentional or inadvertent offenders or predators. It is a very dark place and I don’t know of a platform for it. And… I don’t know of a simple “fix” or solution even when it’s exposed.
My platform speaks to the good people of the world, the pure, the safe people. As Salt N Peppa said, “Let’s talk about sex! Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.” I want to give honor to the people and organizations making a waterfall difference in a bucket of sexual abuse and exploitation. I want to put light on things that promote healthy sexuality in children and adults in a caustic and sexually aggressive society.
My platform speaks encouragement to men to be bold, heroic, sexy and honorable men and encourages women to be classy, sexy, enchanting and honorable women.
My platform speaks to people with esteem and body insecurities that distort their ability to enjoy their own sexuality. I want to encourage a love, respect and acceptance of our bodies and highlight the sacredness of an intimate physical and sexual bond.
My platform speaks out about the “little things” people do that promote the abuse and exploitation of others they would never think of victimizing… and yet, with money, actions, words, or silence, they offend through “innocent” or unconscious acceptance of sexual evils.
My platform speaks to men and women trying to navigate safe, healthy, fun flirtation and sexual expression in a world and workplace that’s hyper alert and sensitive and to those playing on a slippery slope of unacceptable sexual expression that is unattractive, unprofessional and unbecoming.
My platform speaks to child victims who became child offenders then later, when grown, realized the gravity of what they’d done and found healing but redemption escapes them and they deal with guilt and fear of exposure for past transgressions as much as their own pain and wounds. It’s for people who struggle with disclosure because of shame and possible punishment but want to extend apologies and restitution to those they offended.
My platform speaks to reformed sluts and predators, who are ashamed, afraid or unable to share their stories but want to do something to help stop abuse and exploitation now that they’ve repented, changed or are in anonymous recovery. For ladies like the one who slept her way to the top of her field and now, despite the prestige and title, is ashamed of how she did it, but doesn’t want to lose her status. They are out there. They deserve grace and a voice, because haven’t we all screwed up and hoped for redemption when we’re truly remorseful?
My platform is for the pedophile who doesn’t want to offend anymore, but needs support to stop; and for others chained to their own secret sexual addictions. It’s for the ones who, like me, when I was hooked on drugs, are too far down a bad road or buried deep in depravity to get out without a safe hand of hope to help them up when they’re done and want out of the pit.
Finally my platform, as much as I hate it, and as much as it turns my stomach, speaks directly to vile predators who like being evil; the ones who are turned on by the silence breaker’s stories of date rape, of childhood molestation and of sexual exploitation. They are out there, feeding off our stories of trauma and lack of self-esteem and self-control. They read, they listen and they watch and it’s disgusting, but it’s real. I want them to know... I’m coming to get them! I know some of their tricks and secrets, I know how to expose and shame them, I know they fear light and I know how to get spotlights pointed in their direction… I’m a teller and they better watch out, because I’m telling! I’m out to reduce their supply of young easily exploited girls and boys, women and men. I’m out to reduce the demand for their depravity. I’m out to fight!
My platform is a place of cathartic healing, honest and humble soul searching, advocacy and exposure. I’m compelled to do it. Parts of advocacy are yucky and dark. Part of my story is disgusting and shameful. Part of me doesn’t think the bad deserves to see the light of day because I don’t want to expose the good and pure people of the world to the darkness that lurks just beyond the scope of their perspective. I don’t want to open innocent eyes to evil. I want to protect. I want to keep kids safe and innocent. I want to help victims heal.
But I also want vengeance! If I can’t make my abuser pay for what he did to me, I will make all monsters pay by exposing their tactics, their avenues of exploitation, their ways of flying under the radar. If I can’t fix my childhood and put stronger advocates in my own life, I will advocate for every child who is being victimized or who will victimize someone else because they’re hurting and confused. If I can’t understand and wrap my head and faith around why a good and loving God would let sexual abuse and exploitation enter into the hearts and minds of men, I will explore every avenue of why He could have possibly allowed it, and how He can truly be safe to trust.
Why Sex & Jesus? Because I have a voice and opinion and so does everyone else and I want to invite you to be in on a most uncomfortable but necessary conversation and open up even more lines for honest dialog on the good, the bad and the ugly of it all.