The Worst Kind of Evil...

Today a little girl was sexually molested in front of my eyes and I couldn’t stop it. I did what I do in traumatic situations and froze… stone cold still, inept, weak, worthless. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t make it go away and neither could the people hosting the {insert a Washington State government program here} informational video meeting for seconds, or was it minutes? It doesn’t matter anymore, her little face and victimization has haunted me for hours now, and yet I can’t even remember the color of her eyes, but I know her hair was brown. The only time I’ve ever wished for the dementia my grandmother has is now. Please God can I never remember this? Can I never see her again. But I can’t unsee her, like I can’t unsee the other things I’ve seen that make me want to fit and faithfully keep kids safe. I can’t make it go away, not the memory of what I saw, not her violated image now seared in my mind. It is still there playing over and over again, he is evil, pure evil and he ought to rot in hell. I am glad there is a hell and I am so angry, so violently angry with the God I serve for allowing this. Why God why? And she is still out there. And all the questions and tears and sorrow will still not save her or brutalize him the way he deserves.

I did what I know to do, after breath came back, rapid heart beats exploded in my chest, I was alive even if I was ruined. Time to run, but run to where? I was not in danger, it is a little girl I do not know and cannot run to save that is in danger. Time to fight, but fight who, he held the camera below his face and though I try to remember any thing distinguishing, there is nothing but his brutality and her innocence ravaged. I immediately contacted my chain of command and reminded myself of all the good men out there. Yes, that’s what I did and have spent the afternoon doing. Finding my heroes, men that can fight and do protect and will save children. Men like Tim Ballard, founder of O.U.R (Operation Underground Railroad), Ashton Kutcher, co-founder of Thorn, Travis Norwood, foster father extraordinaire and author who has murdered evil men in story in such a satisfyingly brilliant way. I remember good men, I focus on them and pray for them and for more of them, brave, courageous men who will stand up against sexual exploitation and speak out against this evil. I must hope for and believe in good men because every time I hear of another victim, or man who has sexually abused or exploited someone I think they are all like that. I believe for a moment that all men are sexual deviants and evil. But they are not. They cannot be. There are heroes, there are protectors, there are good guys and Captain America will always be my favorite hero, because he is purely good, with no if, ands or buts about it, but I am OK with heroes having their moment of shame and awakening that fires them up to rage against the evil in the world too. I need to believe in redemption, in forgiveness, in good men and heroes and in big, strong arms where little girls can be safe.

I need to believe we can find her and rescue her. I need to believe she will be saved swiftly but at least before she’s much older and used to being exploited on camera. By then she’ll be a somewhat more mature age, and her victimization may not appear so blatantly pedophilic and repulsive. By then men who might jump at the chance to beat the vile devil that molested her at the age she is in the video, would more likely get aroused watching her violation, and tell themselves she was doing it because she likes it. I hope you think of the little girl if you’re tempted to watch. I hope you’d rather protect and defend than be party to the depravity that got us here, because no one starts with kiddy porn. It starts with “You know she wanted it” and “She doesn’t matter.” But she does matter. And she must be saved, she just must! I have made my report to The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and I will believe that Thorn or other good guys and gals will find him and rescue her and good will win in the end. This I must believe!