One more thing lost to me...
I am a writer.
It’s what I do for fun, it’s how I best articulate the thoughts and ideas that skip around in my mind, it’s a descriptor of me. I wrote stories for fun before I was published and somewhere along the way I came up with the idea that it would be great fun to share my words, stories, characters and, well, if I’m being completely honest, pieces of my soul with others. Each story is part of me. I hesitate to compare them to my children … but in so many ways they are exactly like children.
An idea, like an egg lying dormant, begins its journey to a womb swelling with potential. My blood flows, my body reacts to the gentle undulations of involuntary and subconscious primitive drives to build a place for this thing, yet unrealized to grow… and then…. Oh yeah, OH yes! It comes to me… the muse, the sweet stirring, pulsing, rhythm of the muse! In a moment of rapture, I know and believe in the story! This idea and a creative spark that can come together and create something beautiful!
Sometimes it comes to nothing but a sweet moment of inspiration, but other times it gestates and grows, over days, weeks, months (and in some of my character’s lives), years ….
And in due time… something beautiful comes to fruition.
These aren’t silly fancies I come up with in a single moment. These are hours upon hours of sweet, secluded time and attention, love and loss, inspiration and invigoration. I love them, these stories of mine and the muse. I love to share them and hear people say they love them too. But before I shared a word, before I was “published” before I knew another single soul would believe in them like I did… I still loved my stories, my characters and my writing.
Because… I am a writer.
Some people fish... I write!
Booktrope was one of the best things that ever happened to me! Getting published was exhilarating! I still remember Jennifer Gilbert asking me what else I had in my inventory when I was pitching "Waiting on Justin" to her at the Write on the River conference. I still remember where I was when I got the email from Jesse James with a contract for me to sign (and how I literally got weak in the knees, and bowed down to thank God)! I still remember when my first book came out and the JAG students, my mom and near and far away friends came to celebrate the moment with me! Seeing the work out there, that I created, on display for all to see, did something to me! And then Booktrope said they were shutting their doors. I get the reasons, but for me, it changes everything. Obviously I can’t handle rejection so trying to submit to publishers or agents at this time in The Middle is a bad idea. So the option is to get my rights back and self-publish. But it’s all so overwhelming. All I want to do is write. I love writing. I don’t want to make it a chore. I want to feel the spark of new life, the joy of a growing creation kicking and moving inside me. I want to scream when the time comes to finish and I want to be in awe of the finished product. It’s so hard to know how to do that now that everything has changed.
Some people in my trope were upset Booktrope closed their doors, but most seem to have rebounded faster than what I’m able to do. I’m afraid the whole thing will make a passion and a favorite past-time turn into a poison that will kill the muse. I don’t want to lose my love and passion for writing. It’s one of the things that makes me, me. With everything else I’ve lost lately, I can’t lose myself. If it means I write for the sake of the muse. So be it…
In time my books, stories and characters will expose themselves to the world again, but I guess for now they will be for me, and me alone, to love and cherish.
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