I was all over, from the top of my head to the souls of my feet, happy! It's been coming back, a general feeling of well being, for a while. I’ve said I feel like me, but that’s not really the truth. I’m in transition and I know it but the happy is real. My soul is well again. It’s not a split-second reprieve from the pain of The Leaving. Not a fleeting 'happy' from an impromptu hug or note or timely piece of scripture or well executed comedy skit. Not even an event like that sensuous sunrise. Happiness is in me.
I am happy again!!!
My brand new grand-daughter has much to do with my overall state of well being especially this week. Yes, after long months of waiting and anticipating Marlee is here! Like the sunrise, her face, her existence makes me bristle with joy! She is a masterpiece. Her parents absolutely glow with how much they love her. I am so proud of her mama for bringing her into the world and loving her like she does already. And Marlee is one of many pieces of life falling into place.
Life is good, sure it's peppered with the pain of living but for so long it's been survival… literally survival. Doing what I had to do to make it one more day. One more day clean, one more day uninjured, one... more... day. I'm not surviving, I'm living! The old has passed away, I shed that scab, and have a new skin. But who exactly am I?
When I worked with the high-risk girls at the Tech Center my biggest concern was for the girls so desperate to be loved that they gave themselves away. Haylee, in my book, Waiting on Justin, is a conglomeration of their need: Desperate for affection. Identified only by their affiliation to a boy. Barely aware of their own bodies and minds, let alone their souls and spirits. I understood their desire to belong but I wanted to shake some “self” into them. I asked almost all of them if they could name five things they liked to do alone, without their man. Most couldn't… It made me sad to see them dependent on someone else to give them their worth and value.
I don't think I have that problem but because I don't want to be hypocritical I check myself regularly. To be sure I have my five “just me” things I like to do… and then some. But the thing is “just me” isn’t the woman I used to be.
I'm not who I was. I'm not who we were. I'm me, here, single, momming and now grand-momming, dating, writing, working, serving, living! It's a good place to be. I like this place I'm at, I really do! I can't say I want to fully explore “just me.” I firmly believe man is not good alone (it's in that one Book). I never want to get to the place where I'm content on my own. Part of being me, being human, is living in communion with others. For the time being that doesn't include a companion, but I'm pretty sure God wouldn't have made me like sex so much if he intended me to be single from thirty-seven on. There will be an end to this time of my life. It'll happen when it's supposed to. Until then, I get to meet cool guys, live my life to the fullest… learning who I am now, what my tastes and preferences are but also resist selfishness. I want to be respectful of him even now before he's here. I want to respect myself, and what I do with others between now and him, not just for me but for him. I want to wait to buy a house because I want that to be our decision since it's such a long term decision. I'm starting this grandparent journey alone but I am so grateful to God that I get this one piece of family to share with him alone.
But… until I know who he is or when his time will be, I am good in this place, learning me in The Middle. I’m becoming aware of my personal preferences that were adjusted to fit the relationship that dissolved. After years of togetherness, I took some of the things I did as personal preference when really they were accommodations. Now that the relationship is over my body, mind, soul and spirit are noticing personal preferences that are distinctly different than before. I’m not saying I was repressed, and now I’m free, I’m saying for the time being I’m uniquely individual and its cool getting to know who I’m becoming, if that makes sense. I like it! Yeah, I really like it! Also, I like asparagus, I like painting my toes in the living room, I don't like clutter, I like hugs, and I LOVE that grandbaby of mine!