Eight months ago my life changed forever. I'm not gonna lie, it still hurts but there are precious days peppered here and there and coming with greater frequency that the pain doesn't catch in my throat or fall from my eyes. I am still confused but no longer raw. I'm adjusting and learning to navigate my new reality.
Every step from there to here has been uncertain. I hope I'm doing right by God and my fellow man in a situation that is anything but comprehensible. I pray I bring glory to Him with my words, actions and reactions but know I've fallen short because of my emotions, exhaustion and confusion. I have no handbook on how to navigate this, except the Handbook that said God allowed divorce due to the hardening of hearts but that it wasn't like that in the beginning. I try to learn from every situation, may what I learn help me be a voice of comfort, hand of support and shoulder to fall into for others who unfortunately find themselves here.
I have felt more unwanted, alone and abandoned than ever before in my life… but only by one person. One person left and a world of support came flooding into my life! When I consider all the blessings the LORD has provided for me I am overwhelmed with gratitude! By God's amazing grace all my needs have been provided for, not a bill has gone unpaid, not a belly empty for even a day. I've even had some wants tossed in the mix, silly things like make-up remover, tools of my own and headlight replacement tutorials. These little thing might seem insignificant but to me they were gifts from God, through man, at specific 'asked for' moments in time.
I have been well loved by friends and family, near and far. I've had people fly thousands of miles to surprise me at 6AM on a Sunday morning, drive hundreds of miles and leave motorcycles in my driveway to make someone wonder and make me laugh for the first time in a long time, walk dozens of miles asking leading questions and listening to me babble about the chaos that is my life. I've had people put their plans on hold to let me fall into their arms and onto their couches and cry like a baby. I've had people tell me the next right thing to do because I couldn't think straight or give me a plan for my day because I couldn't even remember to shower without a prompt. I've had help moving once and now for a second time to adjust my life to my new reality. I've been given books and advice and wisdom from fellow travelers on this troublesome trail. I've been enveloped in big strong arms that remind me I am still safe, cared for and being watched over even if it is a time for me to be alone. I've been blessed with a faithful mama mentor who sends me love and wisdom every morning. I have people at work who keep me from making foolish mistakes because I'm emotionally exhausted. Others keep me in their prayers and send financial assistance despite my pride.
No, never once have I been alone. I wish I could single out and thank each person who has been here for me but the list is too long and the gratitude too intimate. To each of you, and you know who you are, who have supported me, thank you!!!
And now … this new place; The Middle. The Leaving is behind me, the middle is here. The best analogy I can come up with is gross but it works. Bear with me... As most of you know I took a NASTY spill on a 12 mile training run a few weeks back, messed up my face, knees and apparently foot. I will heal but the open wound on my knee has taught me much about this time in my life. At first the thing was open, exposed raw flesh, the blood and puss seeped up and it stung and burned. My attempts to cleanse it actually made me feel worse but it was necessary to get the dirt and grime out so that my flesh could heal properly. And then the scab came, thin and malleable at first... fresh and easily broken with necessary day-to-day movements. I've had to modify my work-outs and sit at work (I'm a stander so sitting down is like being in prison). But now the scab is thick and solid. For the most part, I can move however I want and it doesn't hurt, but it's still there and it's itchy! Itching is good, it means I am healing, pulling in from the outside, mending slowly and when the time is right letting go of what was because the new, though sensitive and delicate, is no longer raw or infected … just new and ready to be exposed.
I am a thick, itchy scab right now. Not quite raw anymore, not quite whole yet. I am here, in The Middle, getting a little better every day. I'm OK here because I know this is only a transition, my job is to take the time to heal, to learn, to mend and to appreciate each moment and blessing along the way. Good people are in my way and statistics and faith promise me that love will find me again. I know it's coming but not too soon. If I peel off the scab too quickly, I don't just open old wounds, I make fresh ones that increase the healing time and leave worse scars. I will take time here, in the middle, to heal and when the scab is gone… well then, it'll be a whole new song, won't it? All I know now is that it's going to be a good transition. I will embrace The Middle.
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