I cannot and will not own parts of The Leaving that aren't mine to own but there are things I realize I could have done better. Apparently I won't get the chance to do it better in that relationship but I believe in redemption. I will do what I can now and someday I know I'll love again and I'll get to do it better then!
I was given a book days after he left called Love and Respect. At the time it was like having an EMT come up and kick me in the gut after I'd just been run over. I was wounded, confused, afraid and alone and instead of consolation I got a list of all the things women do wrong with speaking to their men. As I am a voracious reader, I gobbled it down, looking for anything to explain what I did wrong to cause the man to leave. I can't say the book answered the particular questions that caused his decision but it did describe things I could be better at. All women, in fact, could be better at.
See here's the thing. I, like most women, expect men to be good. And most me are. Do we pat them on the back? No! We point out when they aren't good, when they mess up, when they lost their cool. There are millions of things they do right but those things go unnoticed, unappreciated, and uncelebrated because that's what they're supposed to do.
We take for granted the good they do, the way they watch out for us and how their strong presence is the comfort and solace we seek when our stupid emotions are out of control. No, we don't want them to fix it but we expect them to be there to shoulder our storm and hold us while we cry. They are good men and we forget to tell them that. Or maybe I'm the only one that did.
That's the part I recognize I own, I have disrespected a good man and I have taken for granted the good things he did, I expected it but didn't recognize it the way I should have… this goes for my dad and other important men in my life too, not just him.
Does confession fix my life? No. But redemption feels good and if I can't do it over, I can at least start doing it better. November is a perfect time for it. All over Facebook people are posting what they're thankful for, it's a wonderful FB tradition I've participated in for years. This year will be no different but I'm going to incorporate my desire to honor the good men of the world.
If you're one of the good guys in my life... be prepared to be thanked. If you're a women confused by my desire to honor none but men, I understand, it's not every woman's cup of tea but I ask you to not bad-mouth or question my desire to honor them but instead be thankful for people you're thankful for, man or women. Happy November y'all!