May 5th 1996. 20 years ago. On this day one of the most influential people in my life was born and I didn't even know it. I do not know what she weighed or who was in the room but I know her momma, like me, was a struggling teen mom wondering what life was all about and how she was going to parent as the girl we both would love was learning how to breathe in and out. 20 years ago that baby's life and mine were were scheduled to intersect but not until we each faced our own demons in the eye, stared them down and decided that we weren't going to do what had been done before. It would take nearly 14 years to meet in real-life and we've each faced struggles since then but from the moment I "read" her story I knew we were meant to be. She jumped into my heart the night she jumped out my window and whether I gave birth to her or not, whether I felt her move inside me, or watched her take her first step, or have her first day of school or not, she is my girl. I remember the first time I saw her, sitting on a bench, face down on her phone. I remember her first birthday with us (her 13th) at the Beckwith's bible study, I remember her first cake (with us) a Tres Leches, and her first pair of footie pajamas (yes they were leopard print). I remember her 8th grade recognition and the Badger's big hugs as well as her dad's and mine. I remember the day she was taken from our house and the days, weeks and months of anguish not knowing where she was or if she was OK. And oh how I remember that FB message asking to come home, and how her dad and I moved heaven and earth to be sure she could come back to us! I remember her graduation that she worked so hard to earn and achieve on time despite her time away from school. And I'll never forget the day my baby girl welcomed her very own baby girl into the world. I treasure our firsts and look forward to a lifetime more! She's been my daughter, now I'm happy to say she's one of my closest friends too! She's not a teenager anymore but a 20 something, living a good, honorable life. She is the kind of teen mom her mother and I should have tried to be. She loves her daughter with all she is and does what it takes to keep her girl safe and cared for. She is a good woman, a great daughter, a wonderful wife and a most amazing mama! I am so proud of her and on this, her big 20 I wish her all the best in the world. I pray the LORD will bless and keep her as she walks in the ways that are good and right for her and her family. So, Matea... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! LOVE YOU LITTLE LADY!
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If you’re over 30 and reading this and have never been sexually assaulted or molested, congratulations, your likelihood of being offended is significantly reduced. Most sexual assaults go unreported but we know 44% of victims are under 18 and 80% are under 30. Also, boys and men are far less likely to ever report an offense… but, and this is my opinion (with a little bit of statistical data to back me up) they’re offended as often, only usually at a younger age or by a same aged peer so that it is perceived as a playtime activity instead of rape or molestation. This means our youngest, weakest and most vulnerable are the ones most likely to be offended.
When I became a CASA the one hard limit I had was that I could not, would not, should not be on a case that involved sexual abuse. Because of my past it didn’t seem safe to my emotional well-being to go there. The idea of a child, young girl or boy, young woman or man being offended sickens me, actually almost makes me ill. I do not understand it. And so, because of my own assault and the yucky feelings it festers up, I have largely been like most of the good population and completely, utterly and nearly entirely avoided the subject. My hope, was that if I pretend I do not see it, it would go away. But it will not, and if we, the good people of the world, sit quietly by, or silently participate in the abuse by pretending it’s not there, it and the symptoms of an unhealthy-sex crazed society will get worse. The problem is too big. There is nothing any one of us can do to stop it. The crimes too vile. The evil will prevail, there’s nothing we can do… or is there? What if we talk about it? What if we castrate offenders... because statistics dictate that most offenders are repeat offenders, and by repeat I mean one offender can have dozens to hundreds of victims? Or what if we kill them? Why don’t we make prosecution harder if we all agree it’s so heinous? Why do so many repeat offenders go untried or reported? Because they look good and prey on the ignorant and innocent. We picture offenders as these dark, dirty evil monsters, if they were all like this no one would have a problem taking care of them. But most of the ones that get away with most of the abuse are unassuming: babysitters, neighbors, brothers, sisters, playmates, fathers, coaches, boyfriends, grandmas. Sick huh? We don’t want the devil to be someone we like, let alone someone we love. Because if evil wraps itself in a smile, who can we trust? Who is good? Who is safe? What has the world come to? My goal this year in my writing is to do something to bring attention to it. I can’t make it go away by myself but I can stop closing my eyes to it. My offender didn’t go away. My silence was out of fear, of him, sure, but more than that out of fear of not being believed. I was young, full of drama and maybe dressed inappropriately, who would believe me? Better to say nothing than to be humiliated. Then when I was brave enough to stand up to him… too much time had gone by, the statute of limitations saved him. He was safe and I was scarred. So yeah, evil smiles. Good looks away. I look away no more. I do not know what to do. This will be a process for me as much as way to bring awareness. I do know I’ll take special interest in figuring out what we, the good people, can do to stop it and what we are currently doing to condone it, because I think there’s power in us uniting against evil. I think we’re more likely to do something together to stand against sexual abuse than the bad guys are to stop themselves. As Gia’s Secrets prepares to see the light of day, I prepare to stand against the most heinous evil I have ever looked deep in the eyes. I can’t stop it, you can’t stop it, but together maybe we can do something about it! Three years ago I started going to CrosSport, never knowing a gym could change my life and possibly save it. It sounded like a fun place (and they gave the youth I worked with an opportunity to participate). I made the resolution to start, took my before pictures, but waited to go until February 2013. (I didn’t want to be one of those New Year’s people). I felt like I was already fit. I ran half-marathons and 5-10 mile runs every weekend for fun, I practiced yoga2-4 times a week, but it’s funny how one change, for the good or bad, can catalyze more changes in the direction you’re facing. Running and yoga were good, but I wanted more. I started at CrosSport alone, just me and a goal to see what my body could do. I went two or three days a week. I heard Des sing and Mike tell me how to do the exercises. I saw men and women in all phases of their fitness journey doing hard things to train their bodies to obey their will. I was intimidated. I was inspired! I was hooked! Oh that first leg day!! I shook and trembled to my car and almost fell out the door when I got home. I climbed one painful step after another to the front door but I couldn’t get the cheesy grin off my face. I liked the pain!!! It told me I was alive, I existed and I was atrophied. There was within me a body capable of more than what I had been doing. I wanted to push my limits! Ten months ago, the man I fully intended spending the rest of my life with, growing old with, sharing history and time with, left. That story is his to tell. I was, as were our children, collateral damage in the choice. My world stopped turning, nothing made sense. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t parent my children. All I could do was cry out to God and spew my transient emotions to anyone who would listen. And move. I was not created to be still. In the past I resorted to less than healthy choices to deal with hard feelings and restless energy. Destruction was an option. Drugs were an option. Meaningless affection was an option. Suicide was an option. These were my options and, yes, I’m ashamed to admit it, they were the options at the top of my mind. Luckily I’d just finished publishing Catching Tatum and had a slew of suicide prevention and STD facts fresh in my head AND had written about the devastating effects of what both do. So with MUCH support, prayer and counseling I came up with healthier options. My options were my two steadies… Jesus and the gym. CrosSport became my safe place, my home away from home. I could go and not have to think or explain or do anything but what they told me to do. And so I did. Two, sometimes three WODs a day. I survived. I got stronger. I stayed safe. I fit into the gym community in my own little way. Day by day, by the grace of God, breathing got easier, thinking got clearer, life started to take on a new flow and rhythm. Not as it was before, as it is in the middle. Then this month came and I looked at my “Before” pictures!!! I didn’t expect to see such a change. Three years of faithful, consistent, time put into showing up at CrosSport to do the WODs, has paid off. This is pushing myself, not slowing down to fit in or competing too hard and hurting myself, just me being the best version of myself. For me… because I AM WORTH the work! Some have implied I spend too much time at CrosSport… maybe. But I say it’s a good choice, a safe place, a better way to live and hands down a preferred alternative to my old destructive ways. So, yeah, happy three years to me!!! And thank you CrosSport for open doors and fit living options!!! Thank you for reading my blog, it means a lot to me! If you like my words please support me with a book purchase and/or review on Amazon. I can't make my dreams come true with out support from readers like you! Thanks again and please share your fitness or wellness stories with me, I'd love to host some of your stories on my blog!
Goals, what's the point? I mean realistically will I achieve them all? Maybe the answer is no. According to the Ted talk I'm too idealistic, too high flying, too optimistic to set realistic goals. But yeah, goals... I make them, I believe in trying to achieve them, I believe if I set SMART goals I have a good shot at climbing on top and conquering them! And if I miss one here or there… I still have all the others to point to and smile at.
I shared my Physical and Intellectual goals last week. The rest of my goals are certainly more personal to me and I'm shy, I guess, to share them. My physical goals are obvious to everyone who's seen me over the last several years. The intellectual, well, anyone who's listened to me geek out knows I have a knack and love for memorization of all things but names and love to have my head in a book or in the stars. But my Financial, Professional, Social, Family and Spiritual life goals are more intimate. What I've learned through The Leaving, and am embracing in The Middle, is that no matter how unique or different or misunderstood I feel... I am not alone. Pretty much anything I feel or think has been felt or thought before. It's in that Book, in Ecclesiastes. There is nothing new under the sun. BUT there is shared experience, communal solidarity and accountability, and for those reasons I'll get over myself and share them. With no further ado… my other goals. (and yes, since I'm sharing, I freely invite you to hold me accountable to keeping them and celebrating the achievements with me and I'll love you forever if you do!!!! Financial: FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Refinance car into my name – January Change the car/life/rental insurance & beneficiary info – January Deplete emergency fund to minimum acceptable amount and put the rest toward car loan $100 allowance for the month NO MORE!!!!! All extra to car loan PAY OFF CAR!!!! – December (shoot for September) Learn about major retirement plans – March Choose plan and begin contributing at a minimum of 5% of income (shoot for 10) when car is paid off-brand Replenish emergency fund to 4mo expenses Professional: BUILD MY INVENTORY, get my name out and… make some money on my books, that would be lovely! Work: Make less than two errors requiring Journal Entries/mo. Work: Have back-up fully trained so I can go on vacation this year – July Writing: Publish 4 books with Booktrope (to edit by 2/15 – Gia's Secrets: 3/15 – Gia's Addiction : 4/15 – Gia's Salvation: 11/15 – 11 Lives Book 1) Writing: Finish Sailing with Rusty by August Writing: 3 IG posts/wk 1 book, 1 fitness, 1 otherwise Writing: 3 blog posts/wk 1 review/interview, 1 me, 1 motivation/social awareness Writing: 1 marketing campaign/season Writing: Get on Goodreads once/wk Writing: Redraft Big Y & publish (self or with Booktrope) Social: “Friends are gifts you give yourself, if you want friends be one!” “Do to others what you would have done to you.” Have a guest a week over Do something with a friend each week Report CASA hours every month Mentorship after CASA case closes – March Finish AWANA year strong Organize Origins of Life/ Flood debate series for fall/winter time *watch all videos – March * organize series by topic *begin by end of September Family: If you don't take care of your family you're worse than an unbeliever 3 family dinners/wk Take each kid out alone once/mo Try to babysit for Marlee once/mo so kids can have a break Help Gramma once/mo Do bills with Gramma & Auntie once/mo Auntie's story recorded – February Auntie's story written – March 6th Gramma Ts story done – May Call Dad & Mom once/mo Go camping 2 weekends/mo May-September Spiritual: Seek me first the Kingdom of God and all the rest will come in due time Celebrate Recovery bible study – June Prophecies of Messiah bible study – December Daily Devotions – Bible/Prayer/Psalm practice Christian yoga 3x/wk Retain Matt 5-7 Prayer Jar There they are, plastered on my wall at home and now exposed for anyone to see. Wish me luck, hold me to them, be my friend, watch me soar! Minor confession: I'm one of those people who LOVE New Year's Resolutions and strive to keep them. Anyone who knows me well knows I love my Resolutions but I get kind of afraid to announce them because of the stigma. In fact, when I started working out at CrosSport, I waited until February because I didn't want to be one of THOSE people...
And I admit, I don't always stick to my goals. Sometimes it works like when I set the goal to get published and I did, or the year I determined to run my first half-marathon, and I did, or the year I wanted to get debt free and did (don't ask me why I now have a car payment, I'm not happy about it and, LORD willing, I WILL be debt free again THIS year). Other years, other goals, I didn't make, like the guitar playing goal. Didn't learn to play any of the four songs I wanted to learn. BUT... I did learn chords, how guitars make their sound, what the fingers are doing to make the sounds I hear when someone plays, and I could play that intro to Falling Slowly like a true beginner!!! Yeah! And my fingers! Oh my fingers will tell you I put in time… about to spring, maybe late spring, maybe. My point is, even when I didn't make it, I learned! I am a learner. I LOVE to learn. Not because I have to, not because there's a reward at the end, simply because there's so much to know, why not learn it if I can?! This year, I did what I do and made my SMART goals in the 7 areas most important to the 4 dimensions of my being. They are SMART: Specific Measurable Attainable Realistic Timely They address 7 areas: Spiritual Family Social Career Physical Intellectual Financial And… the 4 dimensions of my being are, of course, my: Body, Mind, Soul and Spirit I share them to keep myself accountable. I'm goal oriented, but also people pleasing. For all the years I've been making goals I had someone checking my progress. I didn't need to answer to him, but I wanted to and I liked it. I liked sharing the triumph and struggle. It was fun. They are my goals but maybe in sharing I'll find some more accountability partners, it's always fun to share life with others, unless I want to write, then leave me alone haha! Since there are 7 areas and I try to keep my posts under 800 words I'll just share two this week. With no further ado, here are my goals: Physical: *20 pull-ups (I have a pr of 11 right now, don't laugh) *Log 504 miles as part of a 4-person team striving for 2016 miles in 2016 (I currently have 6 but I'm about two weeks out from being able to run again, I hope) *Run a marathon before Thanksgiving (this is the goal that keeps alluding me) *Do one local or Snohomish/Skagit County hike a month (snowshoed at Mission Ridge last weekend) *No alcohol Monday-Thursday (100% on this so far :D) Intellectual: *Read/Review 2 books/Month (using the Must Read list from m'lady) Read: He-Motions, reading: The Rescue & Fear the Sky *Learn the 88 modern constellations & positioning in sky (~2/week) (I know Cassiopea, Big Dipper and Little Dipper) *Read 1 article/ week on building bone density/nutrition/female athletes (I have to eat sardines, yuck! & Milk doesn't always do your bones the best good) *Learn 1 meal/ month to promote bone health/density *Memorize Psalm 119 (~2 stanzas/ month) (I'm on Aleph and I'm almost @ 100%) *Memorize Declaration of Independence by July 4th (~60 words/ week) (I haven't posted my poster yet, I'm hanging it this weekend and then I'll be on it!) I feel like these are all SMART goals but this year I questioned my energy level so I really tried to “dumb them down” to things that serve a purpose in other areas, like the marathon and the miles kind of bunch together. And memorizing the Psalm and my regular devotions partner well. And building my bone density directly affects my physical abilities & addresses nutritional needs. I don't think it's cheating I think it was SMART to use this year as a way to build on my strengths as opposed to really stretching and doing too much new. I need safety and structure this year. It'll be a goal fulfilling year I'm sure! |
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