Jamie and Morgan’s fitness series wrap-up interview was nearly identical to our introduction interview a full year ago. None of us could believe how quickly the time had passed; yet there we were, same restaurant, same two best friends, and me, but not with the same notebook, ready to see where the year had taken them.
The indistinguishable start and finish was fitting for the steady-stride of their year-long journey; young women, fitness minded, nutrition conscious, trying to make and keep a place for healthy bodies in their busy lives where a perfect diet wasn’t going to happen. The ladies did exactly what they set out to do; make health and fitness in their personal lives a regular priority. They went faithfully to see their personal trainer, Andrea Johnson, at The Gym LLC on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. They kept fitness on the list day-in and day-out. They didn’t let their schedules or weather or business keep them from getting to the gym. They met their goals, to strengthen and maintain and Morgan personally, to choose, and wear, a pair of shorts last summer, something she hadn’t done since high school!

Each woman wanted to strengthen and tone and both, upon consideration, were proud of their improved abilities. Activities, movements and lifts that used to be a challenge, weren’t so difficult. Reflecting on how their bodies had changed opened their minds to acknowledge and appreciate their increased abilities. It happened in a year, but slowly, a little at a time, over months; a slow, positive progression in the direction of being stronger than they were when they started. Neither was particularly obsessed by numbers or percentages or body fat/muscle mass comparisons, but in its own way, their year’s health and fitness trek was successful.

Over the year the best friends vacationed together, worked together and sweat together but realized there were some things that, no matter how close they were, just weren’t the same for their individual bodies. One of the routines Jamie and Morgan tried included more weight intensive workouts and though Jamie’s body didn’t respond at all, this is when Morgan reports noticing the most dramatic changes for herself. They were both thankful for a personal trainer who worked with them individually to provide exercises that worked best for their bodies and preferences.

The ladies admitted, as they did in the beginning, that diet and nutrition was their Achilles heel. They have men in their lives who enjoy “regular” food; a restrictive diet wouldn’t be ideal for their relationships. They also have lives full of quick trips here and there, and Morgan has to manage children’s sports events and sometimes fast food happens. Instead of beating themselves up over it, they have accepted it for what it is and made concessions were they can. At work they like to partner together to make healthy, nutritious low-calorie lunches and good snack choices so the evenings are open to a more relaxed menu that accommodates their lifestyles better. In the coming year, and beyond, they want to focus on meal prep in hopes that it can help with their diets.

There was one big difference between that first meeting and the last. Each lady’s personal body image score, on a scale of 1-10 increased. Jamie originally a six, “maybe” seven, rated herself a confident seven and Morgan, whose new perspective and positive outlook on fitness and workouts got not only her brother, but also her dad into Andrea’s gym, rated herself a four when we first met. At our wrap-up interview, with only a slight pause, she decided to go with a five, because, though she’s got a lot of room for improvement, she identifies how much better she did this year than years past.

Together the dynamic duo will continue to live fit and make their health a priority and I’ve no doubt, encourage and influence many more friends and family to stop in and see their personal trainer.

I don't know why this meme-y thing gets me every time I read it, but it does! It has clearly inspired me to write, so write I shall! I wish to understand the reasoning behind those who like this, can we talk about it...? Please, don’t read any further until you identify your own opinion about the meme. And if you’d be so bold as to share, please, share your opinion because I truly do want to understand.
Why do some ladies love this sentiment so much?

Are there any ladies that do not like this sentiment?

What do men think of it?

As for me, and here’s where it gets cathartic, but hey, I can go to my next counseling appointment and say I’m working through stuff, so there’s that... I got left in 2015 after 15 years with a good enough guy. It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me... Devastated me and wrecked me to my core. I've got a great man now, but that pain broke me and I will never be the same. Now my new, great man lives with someone who, in a lot of ways, is a shell of who I once was before I was left.

I don't get where this sentiment is coming from. What is the beauty in him leaving? And when would it be good to leave? After the first date, or before the first date if she doesn’t take his breath away, after the first month, sure, maybe, but after a year, five or ten years of marriage? When is The Leaving good or a favor? (Of course I’m referring to “safe” relationships, I’m not talking about staying with a cheater, abuser or other kind of deal breaker) When should he leave? And does the way she looks in the morning really warrant a leaving?

After 15 years together, having a good enough life, the pain of that leaving is horrible and senseless in my opinion. Did I survive? Yes. Did I find love? Yes! And honestly an amazing love like I'd never have known if 'he' didn't leave. He did do me a favor when he left because there’s never been a man to love me and get me like the chicken farmer does… But, if I'm honest, I’m a short fuse and a fearful partner. I’m ready to run at a moments notice because I'm paranoid and petrified it can all end at his whim, if I don't fascinate him and look beautiful in the morning, each and every morning. I’d rather not be left again, so I stand perched to leave so that I can be the one to decide. I tell myself I don’t need him, repeatedly, and I do this so it won’t hurt so bad if he leaves too, because I am terrified that he will.

In some ways I'm the perfect picture of this sentiment, I did absolutely find a better after 'he' left. He did do me a favor, but is it really better if the damage is beyond repair? … is it better if, all of a sudden, Jeremy too takes this sentiment to heart when I am not extraordinary and yet another man leaves me because my love for the things he does not love bores him?

I think there's beauty in commitment, in staying, in shared history, in life and years and the boring, old usual things that aren't always extraordinary, just simple. Plain. Day in, day out. I want life together with my person, who sometimes doesn't impress or I don’t impress him, secure in the knowledge that we will always, always, always be there for each other. I'll take he who stays, who doesn't always expect me to be the air he breathes. I’ll be his partner for life trying desperately to be everything at all times including ready to leave before I’m left. And sadly he has to deal with a mess because someone else left me. And when does it go away, this primal fear inside me stirred up by this meme? When will I believe he will stay when someone else did not? Not after a year... maybe two? Sixteen? When?

And like Forrest said, that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

In 2018 I interviewed and followed people for my blog, not just any people; average, ordinary, fitness minded people. They were twelve souls from seven different local gyms and one at-home representative. All in different stages of fitness. All with different motives. All intent on living a life where their health and fitness mattered. I liked the idea of it because not everyone has a super amazing story but everyone has a story, a journey, and they wanted to share theirs with me, and you!

The truth is, I feel like it takes a lot of courage to do what they did, to be available, open, honest and willing to check in and share their journey. In my mind the undertaking was going to be amazing, and because I knew following twelve people was going to be tricky I tried to devise a simple check-in for us all to do. Well, it turns out web-posts for a dozen people from over a half dozen gyms is more time consuming than I anticipated! But, we made it through the year, this fitness crew and me! We did it, and though I’m not finishing with as many as I started with, I can say the experience has been well worth the year. Some of the participants inspired me to do more, some challenged me to look at myself, what I was doing and if it was working, and some, I hope will stick around in my life and become more than just fellow participants in a fitness project.

So the wrap-up of this amazing series was much like the introduction. I aimed to sit down with each of the participants and see what they thought of this journey, how they finished, and where they’ll go from here. Four of the twelve met up with me in January and I have a handful to finish up with in February. What I can say is, life is interesting. They all had surprises, they all had successes and set backs, and so far each of the four I’ve sat with has maintained a place in their life for activity and fitness.

The first finale interview was with Melissa, the at-home representative. From our first interview (which was over the phone because she was also the only non-local on the team) I knew she was going to put out results, but was surprised at how they happened. Melissa wanted to try the Keto diet. I confess I don’t fully understand the ins and outs or theories of the diet plan, but she was in. For the first part of the year she was steadfast in giving it a try. She found online forums to participate with and even used the pee-strips to be sure she was getting into the right “keto” zone. Unfortunately for her, after four months the results didn’t impress. Her body didn’t react favorably to a high protein low carb regime, and she decided to take some time off.

The summer was not a friend to her exercise or nutrition routine. She was drinking and eating too much and not at all active like she planned to be.

Then it happened one night in bed. She saw an ad for WW (Weight Watchers) and got up, got out of bed, and joined that minute. It might have been impulsive for some, but it’s proved to be lifestyle changing for Melissa. Since that night’s decision she’s down thirty-one pounds, goes to weekly meetings to stay accountable and encouraged and recently re-started using weight and exercise videos at home.

Melissa’s stuck with the program long enough now that people are starting to take notice. She admitted through teary-eyes that her husband is a huge support. He told her he wishes she could see herself through his eyes and how beautiful she is and how proud he is of her accomplishments. She admits she can’t quite see the improvements yet, but she can fit in old clothes and the measurements don’t lie. WW works for her; she can eat what she wants, just has to be wise about her choices. She can still participate as she wants in life without feeling restricted, and she admits it was good to stop drinking so much, there were just too many extra calories and negative affects.

The coming year holds much promise for Melissa! She’d like to continue to lose one or two pounds a week until she’s down another thirty and to her goal. To keep her running momentum, she signed up for a half-marathon, Arlington’s “Cupcake Run,” and intends to run the whole thing. Running has proved to be a kind of therapy for her since her father’s passing and she loves how much better it feels to get out there with less weight to carry. It will be a year to be proud of to be sure!

Finally at the beginning of the year I asked the participants where they rated themselves on a scale of 1-10 as they considered their own body image. When we began, Melissa rated herself a 5.5, but after the last half of the year’s successes, she finished with a 6.5 and confidence that in time she’ll get to 10!

I don’t even know how to do it … to start, I mean, because the whole thing is so complex and meandering. Like any woman’s brain, one thing leads to another, and like any neuro-divergent, the easiest path from here to there includes a jaunt over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house, and yeah, she’s a part of all of this too isn’t she? So, really how do I start?
My supervisor at work says the best place to start is … wait for it… at the beginning! We enforce financial child support obligations. It’s complex too, and one thing always leads through the woods and before the answer is discovered, five more questions pop up. But always she reminds me to start at the beginning. I’m not sure that works in this situation, this revealing of my not so deep, dark secret, but a confession of the one that’s right on the edge of the slippery slope where everyone can and has seen me frolic.… Yeah… the beginning is not going to work.

I’m not me right now. I know me, I know who I am, but I’m kind of lost. There are plenty of reasons why but this is where I’m at and writing has always soothed me and been a part of me and… well, I have a blog, might as well use it...

I have always considered myself an odd duck, the older I get the more I think most people think this about themselves on some level… “I am different than the rest.” So maybe I’m not as odd as I think, but I suspect I fall somewhere on the quirky side of life, because of ADHD? because of upbringing? because of my controversial artist mind? Who knows.

I also know I tend toward depression. Depression coupled with ADHD is more like a frenzied, fury of pent-up energy unsure of where to go or what to do than it is a feeble soul curled up in bed wishing the world away. The best I can describe it is like one of those mini-penny-cars from my childhood. The tiny, rubber-wheeled cars had a slot in the back where a penny could be inserted for weight. The car was spring loaded and after it was pulled back, it could be let loose. They would do wheelies and spin like crazy but never really go anywhere. Forget putting one on a track to get from A to B, or write a book, nope, just a bunch of kinetic energy turned loose for no particular reason.

I have an incredible urge to run, run far and fast, to start over, not so much to escape but to take away the burden that is me… like this… from those I love most. It does almost seem like a better idea to leave than to put them through this. I was a fun chick, I brought joy and love, now I suck the life from people. It’s not what I want to do.

I have my moments of happiness and joy, I have a divergent attention span how could I not? I can be genuinely tickled by something or caught up in passion and everything, everything seems good and right in the world. I can do my job, tell my husband good things, learn, write, help people but the car keeps pulling back and the energy has to do something and usually the frenzy isn’t pretty.

I have a new life. It’s a great life. Together my new husband, Jeremy, and I are realizing things both of us have dreamed of... but it is not what it once was. Jeremy says it’s probably part of the grief cycle, but I don’t want to grieve. I was left! Now I have this great man who loves me so wonderfully and communicates in a way I can understand, why would I want to grieve he who left me any longer or the family that once was but by now would be grown-up and different anyway?

I have lost much of my spiritual strength and fellowship. I never quite replaced the church I had in Arlington but I haven’t found a church home since I left Leavenworth in 2015… that’s a long time with no church roots. Maybe I’m picky but nothing’s been quite right. Well, Calvary Crossroads, but then I moved right when I was settling in. I tried to find something closer but nothing yet. I feel far from God. I don’t memorize like I used to and feel like I’m always on the spiritual defense. I’m exhausted, and I know I brought this on myself but I need a safe place to spiritually land.

I am terrified of being left again! I’ve never been an anxious person, but I actually have anxiety over it and fluctuate between clingy, needy and desperate and ready to pack my bags and go do it on my own so I don’t have to fear being left again.

My gramma is fading away. She’s my steady in life. I do not know life without her. She didn’t answer the phone yesterday when I called, how long until she never answers? How long until she forgets me? It’s hard enough to take care of her bills and finances but the fact that I’m doing it because she’s going away and my aunt is sick makes it so much worse.

And then there’s the thing… all of that purge above is probably just a cover for it, maybe? No, I think they’re valid reasons to be “lost,” but the thing… the thing... is really probably THE issue. But I guess I have another week to prepare to go there, because I’ve used up all my words for this post...

Here we are, another year down, another opportunity to reflect and, as it turns out for me, re-direct as I look toward at the new year. I am unashamed to admit that I’m a planner, goal setter and resolution maker. I have great expectations for 2019… you know the books (reading & writing them), the races (a 5k and at least one half-marathon), the growth (spiritually, physically, financially, emotionally, relationally), the trips & travel, remodel & reconstruction, and letting go of alcohol… or making it let go of me (but I’m still not quite ready to write about that...yet).

I don't think there's ever been a year where I've met all my goals (or even 50% of them) but oh how I love the process of looking forward and developing the life I’ve been given!

It's fascinating to me how some people don't plan. I asked people, “Do you make new year’s goals or resolutions?” I got a ton of answers. I identified with goal setters, but the non-goal answers intrigued me. It’s like another language I can’t understand. I appreciated the answers and though I still don’t get it, I hope I heard the heart behind their answers.

For many, the reason for not setting “New Year” goals or resolutions was an aversion to waiting, for a particular day. If I comprehended correctly, these people live in “the moment.” For them, there’s no better time than now, no reason to wait for later. They make a goal and set off on the journey immediately. They don’t hesitate. It was beautiful to me, and I suspect these, non-new year goal setters also start workout routines or diets on Wednesdays or Saturdays, and don’t wait until Monday. I bet they “strike while the iron is hot” and seize opportunities as they present themselves. It’s a beautiful perspective!

There was another group who didn’t plan or plot because of fate, or God. This group felt that a plan would somehow thwart or be thwarted by God, or fate and so they therefore resist the urge to plan out of obedience, or resignation to their Higher Power. This, of all the perspectives, was most difficult for me, and because it is so foreign to me, was fascinating. I can’t imagine just living life on a whim, going where the wind or Spirit leads (although this year, living with the Chicken Farmer, I’ve come to see it in action). Because of my ADHD I screw up more than I’d like to admit with scheduling but still, I need a plan! I need to know what’s next. To them it feels freeing, to “Let go and Let God” to release control, to “follow your bliss”… to me, it feels aimless, like a ship with no anchor or compass. A life lived un-tethered. Not wrong, just foreign to my natural sensibilities.

A third group’s reasons for not setting goals were fear based: Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of change, fear of the unknown, the stress the goal can create, or the concern that their planning for the future some how denotes a lack of trust in God. It makes me sad that people would resist setting a goal because they are afraid.

All of this reflection on other’s answers is simply to speak my peace quietly and clearly: The world needs spontaneity and, in many ways, I wonder what it would be like to “be like that.” I am different. I relish the challenge of a task; like a gauntlet, laid out before me, I’m energized by the work a goal requires and trust in the Lord to lead me… or re-direct me as He has for this year. I trust God to give me vision, to guide me on the journey I have prayed, planned and prepared for. Clearly, God has designed and created me to love a good plan (even though I often fail when I make them), to crave challenge and character building conquests (even when some of the character traits are so ingrained it’s almost impossible to change), and to sally forth ever onward. I can question who I am, why I love to organize my life and make plans and set goals even when I know I’ll fail and fall short; or I can trust God made me just as I am. It's not wrong for me to love new beginnings and look forward to starting lines, it's not wrong for others to wing-it and go where the Spirit leads, we are all uniquely and wonderfully made and it makes for a beautiful mosaic of humanity.

Happy New Year… may the LORD bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you and give you peace as you journey through life in 2019!